As the saying goes, “the rich does not add a son, and the poor do not add a girl.” What does the ancestor’s experience talk about?
Some time ago, my friends around me started to have children one after another. Some have one child and fight for a second child, and some have daughters and fight for sons. Fertility issues have always been talked about after dinner. Moreover, whether to have a boy or a girl is also an enduring proposition.
Since ancient times, the patriarchal thought has been deeply rooted in the hearts of the people. To this day, there are still many families with serious patriarchal thinking. For example, in the “realistic version of Fan Shengmei” some time ago, the young girl was forced by her native family to have nowhere to go. Some people think that giving birth to a boy can be passed down to the family, while giving birth to a daughter is to make dowry for others, to marry a daughter, and to pour out water.
Actually, as early as a hundred years ago, the ancestors He has a unique view on this issue, saying that “the rich do not have a son, and the poor do not have a girl.” The “Ding” here obviously refers to sons. This sentence means don’t have a son when you are rich, and don’t have a daughter when you are poor. Why do you say that?
“I don’t want to be rich”
First of all, the reason Part of the reason for the birth of the idea of patriarchalism is that in the past, it was a farming society, where men were the main labor force and could create wealth for the family. But wealthy families are not short of money, they only need one or two sons to pass on from generation to generation. The key is also the same. The ancient marriage was “polygamy”, especially the richer the family, the more three wives and four concubines. There are more women in the family, so naturally there will be more children. If every wife gave birth to a son, it would not only be a problem in the distribution of the family property, but even the banquet would be a huge expense in the future. Where there is money, there are disputes, and money also makes people lose their minds. There is no shortage of examples of ancient palace nobles beating killers because of money. Brothers can turn against each other, not to mention half brothers. In order to avoid conflicts within the family, wealthy families will not have too many sons.
“Don’t add girls to the poor”
In the first Generations, patriarchs, men are inferior to women, girls’ lives are very difficult. Not to mention the earliest “three obediences and four virtues”, “comprehensive husband and child” and so on. Even now, parents in many families are also sucking blood, using their daughters as their son’s cash machine. We mentioned earlier that in the past farming society needed male labor, and women could not help much. Therefore, the poorer a family is, the less likely it is to have a daughter. People would think that a daughter was born with an extra mouth to eat, rather than an extra pair of hands and feet to work. In addition, although there was a saying in ancient times that “a woman without talent is virtue”, a girl who is married without a good family background and knowledge will be looked down upon by her in-laws. Coupled with the fact that the family is poor and the dowry is not enough, it will be even more difficult to hold your head in your husband’s house.
This saying is also the antithesis of the ancients to boys and girls Is the social experience summarized in the present application applicable? With the development of society, our living standards are getting higher and higher. Many parents also choose to go with the flow when giving birth, and do not care too much about the gender of the child. Blood is thicker than water, and kinship of flesh and blood can overcome feudal thought.
But it is not ruled out that in some areas, the “patriarchy” thinking is still very serious, and the child will be born without a son, and there will be a situation of “seven daughters and one son”. I don’t know, is this happening around everyone? Welcome to leave a message and interact with me in my comment area. Some parents, before blaming their children, please think about whether they can really do better than their children
In a Chinese-style family, it is the “right” of being a parent to scold and criticize children. As long as the child does not meet the standard or does something wrong, the parent should scold the child, as if the child can do well after the accusation.
However, as parents, should we also reflect on a question: If we are asked to do the same thing as our children, can we do better than our children?
For example, if a child does a poor test paper or makes a wrong question, if his parents do it again, will the score be higher than that of the child? It takes two days for a child to learn a certain thing. Can parents learn it in one day?
Obviously, many parents will refuse to do this It’s because they don’t actually have self-confidence in their hearts, and they can do better than their children.
Student Lin: My parents always said that I didn’t do well in the exams, but they didn’t understand my test papers.
I was in the third year of high school, and the biggest pressure was not from the college entrance examination, but parents.
My original grades were only at the upper-middle level, and the ranking in the class has always been low. I tried my best every time I take the exam, but it may be that my understanding is relatively poor. The results of the exam are always very unsatisfactory.
My parents said that I have all their expectations placed on me, so I know very well that I must work hard to meet their requirements, but no matter how hard I try, I will always be scolded .
After a parent meeting, return When I got home, my parents began to accuse me of not doing well. My mood was very depressed, so I angrily took the test paper and asked them to help me correct my mistake. However, Dad looked at it for a while and threw the test paper back and said, “You don’t understand your own study. If you don’t ask the teacher to ask us what we are doing, it’s very tiring just to go to work to support you every day! Why don’t you ask you? What about the top students in the class?”
I can see that Dad actually doesn’t understand. I don’t understand why they always accuse me of not doing something that they don’t understand.
Mr. Zhang: He failed to send money to the family every month and became an “unfilial son.”
It took about three years to work after graduation. I went around and changed several jobs. It was either too much pressure or too low salary. In addition to various expenses such as rent and living expenses, I basically didn’t save money.
My hometown is in the countryside, and my family said, Many young people like me in my hometown will remit money to their family after a few years of work, so they also ask me to remit 2,000 yuan to my family every month.
My monthly salary is only four or five thousand, and the rent accounts for almost half of it. There are also various expenses. The remaining money per month is less than two thousand. How can I send it to my family? people?
I haven’t sent money for several months, and my family members say that I am an “unfilial son”, I don’t know how to be grateful, and I don’t understand the hard work of my parents in the countryside. I feel comfortable outside.
I once thought this was a practice in our village, but I learned that when my parents were young, let alone send money to home, the fare for going home is already very high regardless of the family. Not bad.
Many times, parents’ requirements for children, Standards are always changing, so in their eyes, children will never meet the standards, and they should accept their own accusations and criticisms as they should.
But, just like Lin, once a child asks his parents to do the same thing, the parents start to use various reasons to avoid it. This is actually an evasion of responsibility.
Parents always mistakenly believe that as long as their children eat well, dress well, and live well, they must be obedient and must do or do well in what they say. If parents hold this mentality for a long time, then children will never be able to do well, because parents are the best teachers for children, and teachers themselves do bad things. Where should students learn from?
The responsibility of parents is not only to provide children with basic food, clothing, housing and transportation, but also how to educate their children to be a person with sound personality and mental health.
Before asking the child to do something, Parents should reflect first: whether they can really do better than their children.
How should parents ask their children correctly?
In the “Why Home Hurts”, the catalogue actually specifies the “method”:
1. “Don’t bring the power rules home”
< p>“The rule at work is power, and its operating mechanism is competition and cooperation, control and conquest. The rules at home are cherish, and the way to cherish is to understand and accept.”
No matter how young a child is, No matter how close the relationship is, he is an important and independent person just like us. The result of one-way control and conquest is obedience or rebellion.
Family should be the carrier of love, obedience and order, it is the organization that distinguishes superiors and superiors.
2. “Parents are not the answer to children”
When parents ask their children, don’t take their own standards for granted as their children’s standards. A child’s life always needs to go by himself, and sometimes letting him set his own standards can stimulate his motivation even more.
The end of a child’s life is not the parent. Therefore, the parent should not be the child’s answer. Mutual understanding and respect can stimulate more possibilities.
3. “Don’t transfer anxiety to children”
Parents have more than children, decades of years, so they often unconsciously imagine their own experiences as children The later experience is to pass on my anxiety to the child.
The valuable things more than ten years ago may already be full of the streets now, and the path the children have to walk will be very different. Parents don’t need to be too worried.
It is good to have requirements for children, but if it is This request has become a kind of harshness, and it has become a “stumbling block” in the children’s life. Before blaming the child, you should think about it: If I do it, will I be able to do better than the child? Many problems will actually be solved.